Deep In

It's hard to admit our inner demon exists, harder to confront it and harder still to embrace it. I was left little choice, standing in that alleyway of the mind, facing the demon I was, the demon I still am.

I don't want to admit it, but he's my hidden store of strength, passion, conviction, Angelus is. My life had no purpose before he found his way inside. Granted, it was an evil purpose, but still... Without him, would I be as effective? Could I have made it through all these decades without his drive for survival? Could I have lasted this long in the good fight without his particular brand of evil?

I can hear Cordy's answer: Of course, you dumbass. You're more than the sum of your parts. I wonder, though. Evil used for a good cause is still evil. And the good only gets diluted. I can slice it six ways, but...Anyway, that line of thought is pointless. I am who and what I am, what I was meant to be, what the Powers That Be meant for me to become. As I found out, there's no changing that. This is the way things are. Faith would no doubt remind me that destiny is a bitch.

So it's over now and Angelus is back where he belongs. Except for me, it'll never be over and Angelus is more a part of me than ever before. That old saying comes to mind: Keep your friends close, enemies closer. Well, I have Angelus as close as I can. He's deep in.

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